Forgiveness is for the Forgiver

“Forgiveness is not forgetting or walking away from accountability or condoning a hurtful act: it’s the process of taking back and healing our lives so we can truly live” Brene’ Brown

Growing up without my mom and dad being active parents in my life, I questioned how they could abandon their children.  Although my mother did not raise me, she would pop in sporadically. On the other hand, my father did not come around often at all. Questioning my parents love and loyalty, mentally had me in a place of dislike and unforgiveness of them as I grew older and better understood their actions.

However, as I continued my education in college, gained a better understanding of family dynamics, substance use and abuse and working with youth, I realized that in order to be an effective social worker and really wok within my passion, I had to first forgive my mom and dad. I had to take the time to heal from my own childhood trauma.

Healing is a process; and everyone’s healing process is different. The length of time that it takes a person to heal may be different and no two people deal with trauma in the same way. Forgiveness is a part of the healing process and what we must all understand is that forgiveness is for the forgiver not for the perpetrator.

When a person forgives someone, the forgivers experiences:

·       Improved mental health

·       Reduced stress

·       Less anxiety

·       Happiness

·       Healthier relationships

My healing and forgiveness with my parents took place in phases. The first phase was forgiving my mother as she was regularly active in my life during my college years. She went to a rehabilitation program and regained custody of my brothers and that was when I realized that substance abuse is bigger than the person.  My mother and I have had a good relationship and have lived together in my adult years and talk several times a week.

The second phase was forgiving my father. This was a deeper hurt, anger, and resentment.  There were so many lies and disappointments that I allowed myself to truly dislike my father as a person. I can remember the day I decided that I had to let it all go. My resentment towards my father impacted my daily life, and relationships. Sadly, I almost allowed my relationships with my father or lack thereof to impact my child. Had I not forgiven my father, my child would not have the opportunity to develop a relationship with her grandfather By forgiving my father it has allowed my daughter to experience what I experienced as a child with my grandfather.

While the forgiveness process if not easy it is necessary to live a healthy whole life.

Happy Blessed Birthday to both my Mom 10-13 and Dad 10-7!