Devastation to Existence
My imagination and fun approach to adulthood was a vison that I experienced by “playing house”. My role, “I am the mommy”. I practice daily with my favorite dolls, “This is Danisha, Tammy, and Tatiana”. My favorite part of acting as a mother was believing I had mastered motherhood and was able to use my skills learned from my grandmother and some self-taught skills to care for my smaller cousins in the summer months. I knew immediately I wanted two sets of twins, “Natoya, Shakoya, Jade and Jada”. I day-dreamed about having the perfect family after graduating from college, a career, helping people, the perfect husband, 4 children, and a house with the white picket fence.
College was my opportunity to study Child and Family Development to learn about the development of the child. While my grandmother did an amazing job raising me, I still felt my childhood didn’t present me with all the opportunities needed to fully understand how to be a family and the function of each family member. I wanted to have a clear understanding, knowledge, and skills to be able to provide the best life for my future children. Playing house and my college studies was finally setting me up for future success as a mother and Social Worker.
I, Shakoya Williams (at that time) was overwhelmed with thoughts of being the “perfect mother”. Natoya, Shakoya, Jade and Jada would be provided with what was needed to grow healthy:
Unconditional love
Ultimate hugs
Patience
Skills needed to be a good person
Travel the world
Solid foundation
Security that a mother can provide
Most importantly, my goal was to demonstrate what I learned and envisioned to be the best mother, who is loving, supportive, and attentive. At 23 years old, I was a college graduate, I met my future husband, and I was finally closer to making my play house dreams a reality. However, I started to suffer from migraines, blurry vision, and my ongoing irregular periods. I remember multiple urgent care appointments and the numbness on my skin from demoral shots that were needed due to the persistent migraines. My primary doctor assessed my unknown medical concerns by running multiple tests, instructed me to do daily meal journaling, have a restricted diet, and to weigh my food portions. My unknown diagnosis caused confusion and left me baffled on most days, “why can’t my doctor diagnose me”?
“Excuse Me”
“Ms. Williams you have polycystic ovarian syndrome. There is 95% chance that you will not be able to bear a child”, the doctor uttered. “Excuse me”, I can’t remember if the words literally came out of my mouth or if I said this in my mind. I remember hearing the doctor speaking. The doctor’s words flowed from her mouth as if she were talking in slow motion. The Doctor’s voice faded in my head as the tears rolled uncontrollably down my face. I could have punched a hole in the wall: I was furious and overwhelmed with anger and disappointment.
DEVASTATION
Broken, Lost, and Confused. My dreams… Shattered! Who was to blame…?! My hormones, cyst, ovulation irregularities? The emotional pain was unbearable, it was like a knife was cutting deep into my heart and I was going to bleed out. Sleepless nights, days of research trying to understand the diagnosis, and to see what I could do to change this horrific news.
PRAYER
“God please change the results that the doctor gave me. Please allow me to be the mother that you want me to be. Allow your will to be done in my life. Give me the strength to press forward and allow the dreams that you have given me to become a reality. In Jesus name, Amen!”
Dr. Visit
One month of crying, worrying, and trying to understand what the diagnosis meant for the rest of my life. I returned to the doctor and I was prescribed metformin which I took for 5 years with no regulation to my menstrual cycle. I finally accepted “you cannot have a child”. Natoya, Shakoya, Jade and Jada would only remain as “play” in my mind and would never be my reality. My mindset shifted and I knew that my devastation could not dictate my future and my contribution to society. I knew that I would be the best …
Social Worker
Advocate
Case Manager
Mentor
Leader
In August of 2005, my future husband and I purchased a new house and relocated to the Inland Empire. We purchased a house to accommodate a family with no children. After settling into my new home, in a new city with my future husband it was time to meet my new OBGYN. At the appointment I shared, “I am in need of a refill of metformin due to menstrual irregularities”. I believed having the prescribed medication was necessary based on my previous doctor’s recommendation due to my diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome.
“Shakoya, it does not appear you need this medication based on your medical records and ultrasound,” the new doctor explained. I was still prescribed the medication to continue to take at my own discretion.
Confusion vs. Frustration
My sleepless nights, stress, uncertainty, bewilderment, and worry were at an all-time high after meeting my new doctor. All these feelings and emotions became a part of my daily functioning. My inability to change or achieve producing an offspring made me feel like less of a woman. I remember looking at the medication package after taking them for one additional month. I put the medication in my bathroom’s junk drawer and decided that I would no longer consume another pill.
Several weeks of extreme indigestion, nausea, and headaches, “damn what now”. It was February 1, 2006, a good friend asked me to take a pregnancy test. In my heart I still wanted children and never fully accepted that no children would be my reality. I put the unwanted thoughts in the back of my mind. I decided to take a pregnancy test. Well … I really took 5 pregnancy tests! I was in awe of the results of each test … “Positive, Positive, Positive”. Each test came back POSITIVE! Tears were flowing… tears of joy, tears of grace and mercy. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment and met with my doctor.
CONFIRMED!!!
I was pregnant… I was “BLESSED” with God’s greatest gift. All I could do was thank GOD for answering my prayers and allowing my prayers, and dreams to become a reality.
Today September 22, 2020, God’s Greatest Gift turns 14 years old. A young beautiful daughter that is everything that I prayed for and more. She is smart, energetic, funny, athletic, and amazing.
In life, we are given devastating news that can paralyze and impact how we move forward. We must figure out the best way to press on and not allow the news of today to debilitate and stop us from progressing and finding happiness and joy for our future.
We all have different levels of happiness and in life we must find our level of happiness and joy. For women that have been told that they are unable to bear children here are a few alternatives:
Adoption
In vitro fertilization
Surrogate
Foster Parent
Volunteering with a youth organization
Mentoring
The key is finding what makes you happy and moving forward in your own dream. Find the blessing in devastation and exist.